I don’t know what to say

I don’t know what to say. I really don’t know to say.

Martian, is my Martian now. She is my girlfriend now. I want to cry. I want to see her. I can’t stop smiling. There are tears flowing down. This has never happened to me. No one has ever told me that they love me. Yeah, I mean I have my mom and a few friends, but none like her.

There is no one with whom I have ended my call with “I love u.” “I love you too.”

Last night I boarded the bus heading towards my college at 22:15. She was home at my neighbour’s place for the new year and I had met her yesterday in the family environment where none of us is comfortable to open up with them or each other.

On 27th I had spent a whole day with her in the city, just her and me roaming around, eating, exploring new places. I enjoy being with her and apparently she does too.

And then seeing this closed person back at home, the feelings she gave me and the way she behaved with me were utterly different. I understand that these are two very different environments that we are talking about but my mind wanted to be precautious. Extra, extra precautious with another woman while remembering his past experience and I don’t blame him. Seeing that change in personality made me ask myself a 100 times, that does she even like me? The whole day we spent together in the city was it out of some out of the world courtesy she is doing?

Those two to three days between us meeting in the city and she coming back home, I realised that all my thoughts in the day and night were bumping into her. I went out shopping with my mom to buy chicken and there I saw this coffee machine. And she immediately came into my mind and I texted her a pic of it. There were so many more instances.

The only other person that knows of her existence and my crush on her is the Mutual Friend. We met on the 30th and I told her about this friend I have met. I told her everything, What she means to me, What does she think of me, her inability to interact through social media, Why I call her Martian, What do I want from this relationship.

She restated the fact that she is a busy person and maybe she is holding herself back cause she has other priorities. I might be a good friend but she has her goals and she doesn’t want to be distracted. She recommended me too to focus on my goals and have her as a good friend. The problem was I was thinking a lot about her and was getting anxious. Her advice was right then and I gave up on anything that might happen between us.

And then we meet for new year’s and I see her in that form, with the biggest of walls around her. Not speaking at all. No eye contact. I told myself ‘this is never going to happen’.

In the bus then, on the night of 1st, I bid her bye on WhatsApp and to that she replied no. Of all the words she said ‘No;. She didn’t want me gone. She asked me to come back.

“I miss u so much” this had my heart skip a beat.

I said I will be back soon but that was a lie. Lie in the face. In hers as well as mine. “I will miss u too, u have no idea how difficult it is to hold back”

“Don’t” that’s all she wrote.

I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do. So many thoughts in my head. What does she mean? What does this mean? What does she want from me?

And then I didn’t hold back. I said what I wanted to. I told her to let me know what she feels about me. I had given her the card that told her what I feel but I so direly wanted to know what she felt.

And then she didn’t hold back either.

It took me legit 45 minutes to reply to that. But she had slept until then. And these, these are the exact same feelings I had for her. It hurt cause I wanted her and I didn’t know if I could have her. I wanted to push it down. Forget about it. Forget about her. Think of her as a friend but that just seemed impossible. And I couldn’t get over her.

“I love u too”

That was the first time we said that to each other. Excluding once before you know, I have made a blog about that as well. And yesterday I did ask her about this. What was that about. Why did she ask me then? We didn’t even know each other that well. And to that, she replied “that’s the thing even before knowing so well I loved u. And I wanted u to love me too, that’s the effect u have on me”

Like her, I read that line almost 50 times. Read all those lines. Felt all she wanted me to feel again and again and again.

We finally did talk on the phone last night where she asked me what does it mean now? Where do I want to take this?

And honestly, this is all so new for me. I have never been this far with any other girl. I mean this far together. Where both love each other and it’s not one-sided and so one-sided that it was enough for both sides. That was not this. And I am so happy she is not her.

I asked her what happens next? She asked in a crooked voice “Do u want to be in a relationship?”

“Ok” was all that I could reply. I asked her what then. She said she would like us to take it slow. To get to know each other cause there is a long way still for us to go.

“Ok”. “I want to know, why do u even like me?”

“You don’t understand, u are different. The way u speak the way u do things it’s different. So mature. I have never seen a man like this and I don’t know if I will ever meet someone like you again”

“But it’s only been 19 years since u are born”

“Yeah but even my mom discreetly agrees to this. She gave me good lectures for my last relationship in 11th. But this time she subtly gave me a go. I felt it. This never happens”

“Ok” “So what exactly happens in a relationship?”

“Most of it is the same. We talk become much better friends get closer. We bind more emotionally and then there comes a part of the physical relationship. I do not see this for the long term. I want to feel this every day. I want your company and I look forward to be with u each day”

“Ok”

After a few minutes she says “so another interesting part is how u say bye. ”

I chuckled. “Ohk how do u say it?”

” Come on. Haven’t u seen movies? You have to say it ”

“Say what? ”

“You know.”

” I don’t. This is happening for the first time. At least give me an example”

” No. Ok what did u tell me last night”

” I love u”

” yes. That is how u say bye. ”

” I love u. bye.”

” I love u too. Bye. ”

And this is how we ended our first call with her being my girlfriend.

My smile had no bounds. None. We talked a little on Whatsapp after that. Which also was interesting.

She had me tell her this otherwise she won’t go to sleep. I mean every word I wrote. This is what I feel about her. And this is what I want to do.

I won’t be talking about everything we do on a public website. No. But I am so excited for her to be with me and there no one I really want to about her. About this new girl in my life. Actually, I want to scream and let everyone know she is mine. But that doesn’t seem to be the case that will happen. So it’s between us for now.

I am happy. I am so happy to a have U in my life. With me. I will do my best to be with u and hold this relation until it’s mutually unworthy. I will love u always. And will never let u go.

Also, that is her Display Picture on WhatsApp. She hardly lets me take photos. I have to be creative.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: