Cutting all ties with her

She means the world to me. There is no one whom I want to be with, more than her. She sometimes is the sole reason I want to keep fighting against this torturous world even though death is a 100 times easier option. She keeps me on my toes, to improve more and more every day so that someday she takes me in. She is that only ray of hope that can bring me out of a difficulty. She brings my true self out of me.

But still, I want to cut all ties with her.

“I am seriously not interested in talking to you.

We are done here”

This is the last message I sent her on Whatsapp and only I know how much guts I needed, to send this to her. See, guts is taken in a negative sense, such as ‘He had guts to call the teacher a fool’, you wouldn’t replace guts with courage here. Similarly, I know she is my lifeline, my ray of happiness, she is the most important reason I want to stay alive, even then, I had the guts to say this.

But this is not just due to some small spat between us. Its a compilation of all the frustrations, the anger, the disappointments, I have had for her. And I meant it this time.

For the 3 days that I was home, we couldn’t meet. On 30th night she calls me at 6 in the evening, asking if we can meet in her colony in 45 minutes. I had a doctor’s appointment then so I declined and we planned to have lunch together the next day.

I inform my parents that I will be having lunch with her the next day. I did hesitate for a second talking about her with them, cause of the history, but they seemed cool and allowed me to go.

Next day morning 10 am she calls and cancels the lunch plan cause her grandmother is coming over for lunch. She says that she is free in the evening and that we can meet for an hour after lunch. I said fine. We plan to meet at 3pm.

I inform my parents about the change of plans and have lunch at home with them. My mom asks what happened, why did she cancel, but all I reply is ‘I don’t know’. She then doesn’t pester me anymore.

Then after lunch, my father and I plan to go to the store to check out a laptop for him, but it’s 2:30 already while eating lunch. I thought about calling her, but then she was with her family and I didn’t want to disturb. So I thought that anyway she is free in the evening and a half hour delay won’t be an issue.

But at 3, she calls and says that she doesn’t have a lot of time and that she has to go out with her parents to her relative’s at 4 so we only have that one hour with us. I said that I have to go with my father and will be back in 45 minutes, but she says she won’t be home by then.

Now I am a little disappointed. I ask her:

“I come once in 2 months and even then u cant take out a little time for me? Cant, u keep one evening a little free for me. I have only 3 days and so many people to be with, how am I supposed to manage if you cannot cooperate?”

My parents listen to this conversation of mine while sitting in their room.

Finally, we decide that we will meet on Sunday from 11-12 am at least, and she agrees. I am so excited the next morning, that I am finally going to meet her and that my last day is going to be the best day ever. At 10:45 I just casually check Whatsapp and this is what I see:

“Spend time with your parents.

Its your last day we can meet next time”

That’s it, that’s all she wrote. She didn’t have the courtesy to even call and tell me about the change. Just two messages not even stating the reason. That bitch she doesn’t understand how important she is in my life, how important it is for me to meet her, how much each and every single decision of her towards me, impacts my life. How difficult it is to be forcefully away from her and how even more difficult it is to not meet her even when I can.

But this time, it was too much.

I have talked about her to my elder neighbor sister, and she firstly was amazed as to how long can one still be in love with their first love after being rejected. She says that for men ego plays a big role. If the girl rejects them once, it hurts their ego which helps them to move on.

But for me, that doesn’t seem to be the case. This time I thought it worked. As soon as I read that message I was taken aback. It was like a shock to me. I couldn’t speak for the next 5 minutes. I just stood still thinking about what just happened. My parents very well knew I was going to meet her in the next 15 minutes. But then I asked my father to take us to the mall. I needed a distraction. A distraction from her. My brain was being overloaded with emotions and thoughts, thinking what might be the reason? Why would she do this to me? Have I done something that she doesn’t want to meet me? Is everything alright in her home?

I did not reply back to her. We were done there. Seriously. Totally. Or that’s what I thought.

Yesterday evening, she sends an ‘HI’. I see it but do not reply back. She asks me to reply and that’s when I send her that text, the one written topmost of this blog. It was very difficult.

After 3 hours she writes:

“That hurt me real.. bad.

Everything cannot be explained. Take care…. I hope u reached safely.”

And once again my heart gave up. It gave up on building that wall of ego. That huge wall crashed on the ground with the loudest thud. He gave up on going farther away from her and immediately stopped, looking back. Looking back at those beautiful eyes, her hair flowing with the winds, that smile with those cute dimples. Her strength, her vibes, her thoughts. And my heart could no longer hold back its tears and cried his heart out, calling for her. But she was nowhere to be found.

The battle was lost, once again.

“I reached safely.

I will call u tomorrow at 6pm , we will talk.

Good night”

It’s 5:58 pm, wish me luck.

Isn’t she beautiful?